" Drink wisely and slow. Those who rush stumble and get brain freeze. "
- Milk Shakespeare
Another day, another story. Eh Tumblr? This one is about Rapunzel. A fair maiden locked away in a tower, hidden from ever finding true love. Sad, huh? Well not too bad. See, Rapunzel was born outside of a Denny’s. And through some fairy tale magic that reason and logic could never explain, she was given long, beautiful bacon hair. So, this prince guy was riding by her prison tower one day, when he saw Rapunzel. So he was all, “You’re hawt, why are you locked in that tower?”
“Because of this evil woman that was jealous of my face.” Rapunzel yelled down.
“Alright,” he replied, “Let down your hair and I’ll climb it, because that makes sense and won’t hurt or inconvenience you in any way.” So Rapunzel, without taking into consideration the hundreds of thousands of nerve endings and pain receptors in the human head, let down her long bacon hair so the prince could climb up. But he didn’t. Because there was too much delicious bacon to eat. And enjoying crispy bacon is much more important than relying on a relationship in order to find happiness and validate your existence. The End.
Oh, back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my … lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight! Ohhhhhhhhh, back to school! Back to school. Back to … school.
Gather round kids! Today’s story is called, “Hansel and Gretel.” It’s about an evil witch who finally finished making her last mortgage payment on her candy house, when two bratty kids decided that they wanted to ruin her day. You see, these entitled seedlings saw the candy house, and instead of working hard to buy their own, they decided to take hers. Using the dirtiest and most delicious trick in the book, Hansel and Gretel trapped the witch with aromatic plates of Denny’s breakfast food. Once she was incapacitated, they pushed her into the Candy house’s oven. Don’t feel too bad for the witch, though. After all, she was evil and would have probably ended up eating the children. Sheesh… Fairy tales, am I right?
Remember the tale of the Three Little Pigs? It was a beautiful story about friends overcoming all odds to take down an evil Wolf. You see, the Wolf was in charge of an unsanctioned bacon trade where he sold bacon stolen from Denny’s restaurants at reduced prices. After filing multiple complaints with the BEA (Bacon Enforcement Agency), the pigs realized that in this corrupt society, they’d have to take matters into their own hooves. So they huffed, and they puffed, and they rented heavy-duty construction equipment to destroy his house and end the illegal trade once and for all.
We’re at Denny’s and Jimmy ordered a custom Grand Slam of hash browns, hash browns, hash browns, and hash browns with an additional side of hash browns and hash browns
STRONG
Daddy did it! Took me only one try to get the one he wanted! #noah #ninjaturtles #donatello #dennys #thecrane #thekimbles (at Denny’s)
now that’s just some good old fashioned family fun right there. i’m not misty, no, i just got bacon grease in my eye…
(via daillspot)
When Dr. Frankenstein finally animated the Baja Moons Over My Hammy it let out a frightening, maniacal laugh: “baja! baja! bajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaja!” echoed against the hills that night, sending an ice cold chill down every villagers spine.
In my dreams there exists a LINKoln Log cabin made of fine breakfast sausages. And it is a beautiful dream. A greasy dream, sure, but beautiful nonetheless.
Video game or real life?
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